“Mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all.”

Wicked Witch in Snow White

This week former president Bill Clinton negotiated the release of two female journalists from North Korea.  It was a masterful diplomatic coup.  Despite the outcome I read and heard some commentary than was critical of him.   Some speculate about his secret motives, some believe he intends to partner with his wife as secretary of state, and some just dislike him. 

These commentaries are nothing more than schadenfreude, and the kill joys that made them are like the wicked witch in Snow White.  How will we ever find justice and equity in this world if we cannot give credit where credit is due?

It’s hard to look into the mirror and confront what we see.  But it’s necessary to confront ourselves when judgment and ego get in the way of right things. 

Tapping the talents of the best suited for the job ensures that the job will get done.  If we can let go of personalities, assumptions and a bit of our ego then we can solve our problems and accomplish great things.  We all look better when we share the stage with talented and gifted people.  

Looking into the mirror is a good place to start and develop self-reflection.  The mirror reveals what we don’t like to see.  If we can confront our weaknesses without flinching or looking away we can begin to accept our limitations. 

One of our biggest limitations is being a killjoy, being jealous of the success of others especially others we don’t like.   This thinking poisons the environment of every human endeavor, a family, a business, and a school.

The best antidote to schadenfreude is to celebrate the success of others whenever you see it.  It creates a positive energy that will come back to you and endow you with new insights and new perspective. 

It’s important to look into the mirror from time to time.  The mirror doesn’t lie, doesn’t have an opinion, it only shows what you look like at this moment.  Practicing this kind of radical self-acceptance makes it possible to share the stage with everyone.

For a generation of women in the 60’s Julia Child took the fear out of cooking.  She is famous for her live television moments when things didn’t quite turn out as planned.  What made her so endearing to fans was the undaunted way she handled mistakes.

The most memorable episode was Julia flipping a pan sized potato pancake.  She said, “When you flip anything you must have the courage of your convictions.”   She then gave the pancake a big flip.  It caught on the lip of the pan and fell on the stovetop.  She quickly patched it up and said, “The only way to learn to flip things is just to flip them.”

Just flip them.  I find that phase a mantra of fulfillment.  For me it means having the courage to take a risk and be okay with the outcome.  Too often we seize upon the idea of perfection as the truest measure of success ignoring the noble efforts when the flip didn’t quite make it.  Sometimes a little catastrophe is a lesson and a liberation.  

I can’t think of a more appropriate environment for a little catastrophe than school.  For many children the flip will not make it.  They have to learn how to patch it up and more importantly they have to experience the lesson of patching it up.  

The best teachers will encourage their students along this path by making room for mistakes.  Mistakes should be understood and part of the norm in learning anything. If students are comfortable in sharing their mistakes they will have the courage to “just flip” even when they are uncertain of the outcome.   

Most of what we plan to do turns out differently.  It takes humility and courage to continue when things change.  

Be afraid of everything? 

When my husband and I were young and inexperienced parents we tried to childproof the world.  Like generations of parents before we hoped warnings would protect our children from harm. 

I remember one incident when our son was going on a field trip to the zoo with his class.  The night before my husband gave our son the “be careful” pep talk.  He said to stay with the group and to avoid looking at the sun.  There was going to be a lunar eclipse the next day and my husband decided it was better for our son to be warned and afraid than to experience the unlikely side effect of going blind.

Our good intentions only served to create a world where danger lurked everywhere.  Fortunately our children were bold hearted explorers when it came to the unknown.  The lessons learned were not for them but for us. 

We can’t live in fear.  Fear keeps us from stepping outside of our comfort zone and expanding our perspective.  Fear serves as a powerful element that creates resistance.

I wonder just how much of the rhetoric I’m hearing right now about everything from health care reform to charter schools is based in fear?  Is it fear or simply a stubborn opposition to change?

Resistance is the enemy of change.  Everything changes.  Yet we live as if this were not true exerting force to control and influence outcomes.   The fact is change is an important element for growth.  When we resist the inevitable we only create fear and anxiety.  

To overcome resistance and fear we must:

• Maintain a clear focus.  Clear focus is like a beacon in the fog.  Even when everything is covered in a deep mist, the beacon keeps you on course.
• Know our intentions.  Fear limits our ability to see the big picture. 

It’s easy to resort to our default positions when confronted with the unknown but doing so creates more fear and more resistance.  When we face resistance most of us react with an assortment of ineffective approaches:  We - use power, manipulate opposition, apply the force of reason, play off relationships and make deals. 

Like over protective parents we all can learn to relax and let go by:

• Understanding the voice of resistance
• Respecting the reasons for resistance. Listening and being  honest about our intentions.
• Staying calm and engaged.  Not allowing fear to set the course.
• Changing the game.  Ask what matter’s most.

When I look back on my years as a worried parent I can see the tipping point, the time when I embraced a different approach. 

Ask yourself: Is it time to find that tipping point?

Postscript:

In the next several weeks our website will have makeover.  In September we are offering a subscription to a weekly newsletter.  Each week you will receive five special messages to share with your school community in your morning announcements or greeting.  In addition you will have information on ways to develop and grow your professional learning community.  If you are interested in a free trail subscription click on the link Contact Us and send an e-mail.  

Do you create obstacles?

I know that I do, especially when I don’t like something, when I’m uncertain or afraid to step out of my comfort zone.  In those times it’s easy to list everything that’s wrong and make an impressive argument in my own favor. 

But when I really want something it doesn’t matter how difficult or unlikely the chances of success are.  I’m willing to take a risk because I dream of the possibilities.

This last week in the news I observed a lot examples of those who see only obstacles and of those who see possibilities.  It seems when bold thinking is required people separate into two camps.  Those who cling to sometimes failed methods, citing the obstacles as the rationale for maintaining the status quo, and those who accept risk believing in the possibility of change for a better way.   These two positions rarely find common ground. 

I compared this to my own thinking when presented with a challenge.  The camp I join depends on whether I’m willing to let go or to hold on.  

“Dream nothing,” the Dalai Lama says.  When we make this radical change in thinking the power that lies nowhere but in ourselves becomes more apparent.  We can’t change the world, only the way we look at it.  So some us will always see obstacles and some will see magic.  But the truth is, neither one matters. 

The Buddha once famously said, “If an arrow is sticking out of your side you don’t argue about where it came from or who made, you just pull it out.”  Likewise the path to happiness is simply finding the cause of your suffering and attending to it.  Like pulling out the arrow. 

Pulling out the arrow is identifying what we can do better now.  

I can’t think of a faster way to getting on the path of recovery than by just doing something better now.  And there’s a lot that needs to be recovered. 

Creative World Connection wants to be your schools resource for finding that path and connecting with your staff and students. Imagine CWC as a compass to help you navigate.   Our website is getting a makeover.  In September we are offering the only education weekly newsletter dedicated to promoting character and personal growth.   Each week you will receive five special messages to share with your school community in your morning announcements or greeting.  In addition you will receive the most current information on ways to develop and grow your professional learning community.  If you are interested in a free trail subscription click on the link Contact Us and send an e-mail.  

The three qualities work must have in order to be satisfying are autonomy, complexity and a connection between effort and reward.  It’s not just how much money we make that ultimately makes us happy.  Doing work that is meaningful and appreciated is worth more than money. 

Back in the early days of the Beatles before they were the Beatles they played in strip clubs in Hamburg Germany eight hours a night, seven days a week.  Most musicians only play one hour, two at the most a night.  They needed stamina and an enormous amount of energy to keep at it.   They didn’t recoil at the offer they jumped at it.   They put their heart and soul into these gigs and the crowds really began to love it.  They were recognized for their new unique sound. 

Everyone has an innate need for recognition in their jobs.  Giving recognition is the best way to build high-energy efforts and excellence.   Unfortunately many managers fail to grasp this important motivational truth.  Doing unrecognized and unrewarded work is like a prison sentence because it doesn’t have any meaning. 

David Novak CEO of Yum Brands (KFC, Pizza Hut, and Taco Bell) believes that bosses should be more like coaches encouraging those they supervise.  Novak’s strategy is to err on the side of more.  He recognizes more that he should.  He says, “why be selfish with the one thing that matters most to people.”

Novak says people leave companies for two reasons: one they don’t feel appreciated and two they don’t like their boss.   These two reasons can also explain why people become unsatisfied in relationships, why people fail to work harder, or even why some children might lose heart in school.  

Appreciation is something we all need more of. 

I know a lack of appreciation can make me question the motives of even those closest to me.   Without appreciation it’s easy to believe that someone is taking advantage of you, even when it’s not true.

Intrinsic motivation comes from a sense of satisfaction and worth.  The best way to motivate anyone is to tell them how important they are.  It’s one simple truth none of us should ignore.

How well do we understand anyone?

Michael Winerip a contributor to the New York Times wrote about his relationship with his father.  His father died while he was in his early twenties.  Winerip describes his father as abusive, selfish and self-absorbed.  He says he was even nasty to the neighborhood children when their ball accidentally went into his yard.  

It wasn’t until thirty years later when he received an email from a former co-worker of his father that he began to revise his opinion.  The co-worker who was a rookie copywriter at the Boston Herald wrote that his father made more of an impression on her than almost anyone she’d ever met.  She said Harold Winerip looked out for her teaching her everything she needed to know about editing.  He really cared about good language and was the best of his trade.  She also said he was intensely proud of his children.

This revelation prompted Winerip to reflect deeper on the character of his father. 

After cobbling together other impressions and re-examining his own he discovered that his father suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  He believed that his father did not have a clue about why he had to repeat certain behaviors and was most likely furious and humiliated by them.  There was little if any understanding of OCD until recently.

Winerip says he spent his entire adult life trying not to be like his father.  Over compensating for his father’s short comings hoping he would never fall victim to the same character weaknesses.  Today he feels somewhat humbled knowing his father a slave to ritual kept this secret for four years in the Army during WWII.  It was a daily struggle to keep his emotional balance. 

Making assumptions and judgment is the big mitote in the human mind.  When we don’t understand something we make an assumption about the meaning and believe our own story.   When the truth is revealed to us the bubble pops and we find out our ideas are not what we thought they were. 

All the drama in our lives is a kind of emotional poison that keeps us from seeking clarity and understanding.   Even families who believe they are loving havens of emotional support fail in this regard.  Ask almost anyone about their family and somewhere there are secrets and lies that keep members separated and distant.  They remain bound by their assumptions and their fear to challenge them.  Sometimes even to the point of destroying the relationship in order to defend their position. 

I have to wonder if we can’t find acceptance and understanding in our own families how can we hope to find it other less permanent relationships?

Seeking first to understand is our most important challenge in life.  We do not go through this life alone. We are bound together by our strengths and our flaws.  When you stop making assumptions you will be able to communicate clearly without emotional poison.  You will become impeccable with your word and a person of integrity.  Seeking first to understand will transform you and magic will begin to happen in your life, because you will experience the real love of acceptance. 

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”

Edmund Burke

What is decent behavior?

Judging the quality of the news we like to indulge in there is no more decent behavior.  Hours of talk devoted to the martial infidelities off elected officials, examining the lives of celebrities, and having a no boundaries attitude toward all proclivities seems the rules for civility have vanished. 

Some might argue that these niceties of so-called etiquette were too stifling, too restrictive.   This allows us to be less constraint, freer to explore our human passions and desires. 

Perhaps freer but certainly less honorable, in our quest to this type of self-exposure we have lost the compass to guide us out of the current of our own weakness. We have fewer social norms to follow.  Despite these trends we continue to admire those people who are dignified, those people who exemplify respect, kindness and manners. 

I cannot help but to compare our present fixations with the comic movie “Idiocracy.” The film depicts a future society where anti-intellectualism runs rampant.  In the movie two ordinary people forced into hibernation by a military experiment are awakened 500 years later to discover they are the most brilliant two people on the planet.  A sort of reverse kind of natural selection has reduced intelligence.

I have to wonder; by promoting the intimacies of our private lives will we corrupt ourselves?  Will our children recognize the importance of dignity or will they become like the citizens in the fictional Idiocracy?

As human beings we are all flawed creatures.  Tempted by excesses, ego and indulgence.  It’s the nature of life.  But the opposite is also true.  We are motivated by empathy, wanting to make the world a better place.  Striving to find the balance. 

In order for our children to value these virtues they must be taught, they must experience daily models of dignity.   David Brooks a New York Times columnist wrote that George Washington as a young man copied a list of 110 rules of civility and decent behavior.   These rules were not just etiquette tips but ways to improve morals.   Washington became a great man because of the way he conducted himself during times of temptation.  

That might be our greatest challenge and our greatest reward, how we conduct ourselves during times of temptation.  Instead of degrading the weakness of our heroes we need to celebrate the strengths of ordinary people.  People with dignity don’t need to broadcast their talents they are obvious.  Promoting everyday heroes gives children a real life template to follow and a true compass for an honorable life. 

The country of Tanzania has a relatively stable government and is about as safe as anywhere on the African continent, especially if you spend as little time as possible in the cities.   Interestingly you have a greater chance of being robbed than of having an unpleasant meeting with simba (Swahili for lion).   The concentration of wildlife will allow you to see elephants, rhinos, wildebeest, lions, leopards, giraffes, and cheetahs all within the space of an hour. 

I wrote earlier how my daughter had been robbed in the northern town of Arusha while booking a safari.  After that incident I began to worry about the safety of a safari I could not have been more wrong.

Anthropologists believe that the Serengeti is part of our racial memory.  If they have it correct human life began in this astonishing environment.  Those who visit it describe the smell and sounds as a rightness that infuses the spirit. 

My daughter’s enthusiasm for the country and most especially for the animal sightings confirmed all that I had read about the Serengeti experience.  I have to wonder if we don’t deliberately put ourselves into natural environments will we lose our connection to the real world?  And as this connection grows weaker will we lose our ability to solve problems with respect to these natural systems?

There is a balance in nature that has existed since millennia.  Tribal groups like that Masai that still survive in the harsh African climate have resisted assimilation into the modern world.  Their survival demands a reverence and observance of the life they compete with. 

Rarely today do you ever hear a commentary on respecting the competition or acknowledging the importance of balance.  We live in the world of extremes.  Either too much or too little.

All of this pays homage to the scarcity mentality.  The belief that there is only so much to go around and I had better get mine before it runs out.  The opposing belief is more consistent with nature.  It is the abundance mentality.  The belief that there is enough to go around.  That everyone can have a piece of the pie if we learn how to share. 

Like it or not, we had better learn how to share.  Share ideas, share space, share resources, and even share failures.   If we take a lesson from nature we can all prosper, we can all enjoy a more balanced way of life. 

Schools especially must be willing to let go of their attachments to old ways and look at educators everywhere as one abundant resource. 

Happy Summer!

“The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of.”

Pascal (philosopher, scientist)

News this week prompted me to seek first to understand.  My youngest daughter has been in Tanzania working and learning in an international hospital.   She said the experience taught her more than her first year of medical school.  The group she is with all wanted to do a safari before leaving Africa so they traveled to the northern town of Arusha.  After a long bus ride they arrived late at night. The group under estimated how risky it was to be carting luggage while looking for lodgings.  Caught unaware they were all robbed at knifepoint.  My daughter lost all her American money, which is really all that is accepted so an early morning phone call home alerted me to the mishap.  My first reaction was typically are you okay?  Next I was angry that a group of young thugs could so easily ruin what had been a life-altering trip. 

I struggled to manage my worry by researching the Internet for information about this little town.  I discovered that robberies of tourists are not that uncommon.  Common sense and caution are naturally advised.  I started to imagine how this group of young Americans might appear to the young and poor Tanzanian natives.   By their standards the group was rich and privileged.  And to be honest that is true.  I was able to replace the stolen money without much hardship.  What bothered me the most was that my picture of safety and well-being was shattered.  Bad things can happen anytime or anyplace but now suddenly my daughter seemed especially vulnerable.

I began to wonder about the money, whose pocket was it in now?  Did the money go to feed a hungry family?  Or did it travel into more criminal channels?  I hoped the money did some good.  I hoped the money did not just work to harden the hearts of those who took it.  I hoped they had somehow recognized that the group they stole from had come to Africa to give back.  

Seeking first to understand allows you to become influenceable.  When this happens your circle of concern expands and you are in turn able to influence.  The more deeply you understand other people the more you will learn to appreciate them.  The more reverent you will feel about them. 

Stephen Covey in his book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,” says “to touch the soul of another human being is to walk on holy ground.”

We all must assume that we never fully understand anyone and know we need to be open to really listen.  This assumption allows us to become more empathic.  This is the challenge of communication; this is the challenge we all face.  And not just with those closest to us but with the world.  Understanding is the only way we will be able to solve problems.  When we strive to listen with both the heart and the mind we will discover the intent and feelings of other people. 

I am counting the days until my daughter arrives safely home.  I must be careful not to allow myself to become more alarmed, more afraid, and worried.  I have to trust in the balance inherent in the universe, the duality of all things.  There is bad but there is also good. 

“The essence of synergy is to value differences – to respect them, to build on strengths and to compensate for weaknesses.”

Stephen Covey

Recently the New York Times ran an op-ed piece titled “Five Ways to Fix America’s Schools.”   Some of the changes suggested were:

• Raise the compulsory age to 19.  The benefits of an extra year of school beyond high school would allow for at least one year of college, vocational training or apprenticeship.
• Get serious about truancy.  Truants quickly become dropouts.  In many cities as many as 30% of students are absent a month of school each year. 
• Produce more qualified college applicants.  Half of the freshmen in college have weak academic skills.  Graduation rates at most colleges are less than 60%.

There were many responses to the article from educators all over the country.  Some suggested recruiting better teachers, raising teacher salaries, and eliminating tenure.  Others suggested making learning relevant to students, just compelling students to stay in school longer is no guarantee of higher learning.  Several targeted literacy and pointed out the benefits of early interventions, like head start and reforming the system and starting age of school.  Those who favor charter schools and vouchers pointed out that one size fits all does not help all children.

There was a wealth of information and ideas from everyone.  Reading these I realized how critical is for all associated with education to value the differences and work together cooperatively. 

Synergy creates the third alternative.  The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.  Synergy takes place when two or more people produce more together than the sum of what they could have produced separately.

Synergy is:

• Results oriented
• Examining, exploring, seeking diverse perspective openly enough to alter or complete your paradigm
• Have a mutually agreed upon end in mind
• Worth the effort and effective
• A process

The essence of synergy is valuing the differences.  This does not imply that you approve of or agree with differences: rather it means that you respect the differences and see them as opportunities for learning.  These differences become valuable tools for finding solutions because they enable you to discover and produce outcomes together that you would not find separately. 

In order to change you must be willing to let go of something.  Educators and those who influence the policy must leave their egos and attachments to one  position behind and embrace the possibilities.

There is a wealth of ideas and innovations available.  Stephen Covey stated it most eloquently.

“People who are truly effective have the humility and reverence to recognize their own perceptual limitations and to appreciate the rich resources available through interaction with the hearts and minds of other human beings.”