Category: teaching kindness

Michael Phelps now holds the record for the most gold medals won at a single Olympics with a total of eight.  He said, “ I’ve dreamed a lot of things, and written down a lot of goals, and this one was the biggest one I have ever written down.” 

But not too long ago he could have been labeled a problem student.  He still jokes about his middle school teacher who said he would never be a success.  In school he struggled with AHDH and started swimming to provide an outlet for his excess energy.

Phelps unlike many struggling students overcame his disability, he had the support of an encouraging and loving family and he never believed the words of his critical teacher.  How often do you think this happens?

It is inevitable that every teacher will experience a student with ADHD. It could be the biggest challenge a teacher can face.  It can result in frustration and exhaustion for the teacher worse it can negatively impact a student’s self-confidence and belief in his or her own ability to learn. 

What you tell yourself can become a self-defeating mantra whether you are the teacher or the student. 

Teachers who dread the presence of a student with ADHD will communicate this even in non-verbal ways.  What teacher’s witness is the impulsive, unorganized and easily distracted student.  What they don’t see or connect to is this behavior is a cry for help saying, “reach me and accept me.”  Teachers can look at the glass half-full or half-empty when dealing with a student with ADHD.   When they make a connection with the student and use behavior and classroom modifications this connection will become a life preserver. 

Some of these modifications are:

• A touch – on the shoulder or a smile so the student know what good behavior is
• Rewards to motivate like a smiley sticker on the corner of the deck
• Verbal reinforcement with positive praise
• Give the student specific tasks that require movement in the classroom
• Provide structure at all times and remain calm
• Have the student repeat verbal directions
• Provide advanced warning when a change is coming
• Take five minutes everyday with the with the student to make sure he or she is using a planner for organization
• Divide tasks into chunks of time with shortened assignments
• Consider how desks are arranged and be sure ADHD students are grouped with others and frequently switch

As difficult as this seems when a teacher practices compassion and understands how critical “what you tell yourself” is to learning  things can change and improve.  Look to Michael Phelps as an inspiration.  Know that in his life it was not just what he told himself but also what he heard from others. 

“I’ve learned that people will forget what your said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you make them feel.”

Maya Angelou

As a child I remember sitting in my desk in my fourth grade classroom trying to make myself smaller.  My thinking was if I was smaller I would become invisible to the teacher and that meant she couldn’t single me out to go to the board to work out a math problem.  Going to the board was a public humiliation.  Her words, “it’s wrong” echoed in my childhood memory for a long time.   The feeling of being inferior, not capable and dumb stayed with me all through school.  Imagine how different I might have felt if my teacher had used the board as a place to make mistakes and ultimately discover the answer.

How you feel determines your success or failure, satisfaction or discontent, feeling competent or stupid.   Each one of us has a need to feel capable in what we do and to be loved and valued.  In the elaborate net of life the single underlying thread in our shared humanity is the potential for kindness in every encounter. 

Teachers can create a quality environment for their students, and the first element of quality is practicing kindness.   A quality teacher must ask: “is what I am about to do, stand a reasonable chance of strengthening this relationship.”

The elements of a quality teacher are:

1.     Who you are.  Your students are eager to know about you, let your self-shine though for them.

2.     What you stand for and why you stand for it, are of endless interest to your students.  Discussions big and small with people who they respect create ideas in the minds of students as they begin to form opinions. 

3.     What you will ask them to do.  Make sure your students know what you will ask them to do.  Never surprise them.

4.     What you won’t ask them to do.  Setting this expectation gives students freedom in their choices.

5.     What you will do for them.  As long as they make an effort to learn, you will help them in any way you can.  Discussions will be encouraged; disagreement will be laid on the table and explained or changed.

6.     What you will not do for them.  You will not do their work, or tell them what to do if you believe they can figure the answer out for themselves.  You will spend a lot of time teaching them how to evaluate their own work and to defend their evaluations. 

To be successful in life, we must evaluate ourselves and work to improve; we cannot and should not depend on others to do this for us.   Students treasure a quality teacher because a quality teacher makes them feel valued, competent and capable.  

Have you ever been surprised with an unexpected kindness?  There was a recent story of an older man who regularly jogged some remote roads in the hills of southern California.   His biggest fear was of an attack by a mountain lion but since he rarely strayed into the denser areas so he was not worried.  One particular day as he jogged he heard the loud blare of a car radio and the lyrics of a rap song.  The beat of the music got closer and closer.  This man had encountered rude drivers in the past but the noise and the approaching speed of the car worried him.    Suddenly a car full of teenage boys sped past him and slowed to a stop.   Filled with fear the man worried how he was going to jog past the car without incident.  As he got right next to the car one of the boys handed him a Popsicle out the window. 

Simple acts of kindness like the gift of a Popsicle seem strange and out of the ordinary.  Why is that? 

Unfortunately today in workplaces and schools across the country reports of harassment and violence have increased.   P. M. Forni author of the Civility Solution writes that most school and workplace violence began in rudeness.  The roots of rudeness are a failure to value the intrinsic goodness of each person.  When individuals are not seen as worthy and competent its easier for  rudeness to erupt.  

Most people see rudeness as something done to them instead of a symptom of a culture that reacts to any  injustice with anger.  This anger is like lightening in a bottle, when directed at others it scorches everything in its path, work relationships, friendships, families and eventually the health of any institution.   Rudeness can become anger burning out of control. 

School can be the one consistent place in this society where children can learn to practice compassion and simple acts of kindness.  A compassionate mind learns to look at a situation more broadly, seeking a solution that’s acceptable to everyone. 

So how can you as an educator begin to practice and teach children to cultivate the compassionate mind? 

Begin first with yourself.  Examine your daily habits, how do you interact with your co-workers.  Are you tolerant of their shortcomings or do you react with criticism and gossip?    Next evaluate your relationship with your students, are you inpatient with their inattentiveness, disruptions and little unkindness?   When you become the model of compassion you can create a vibration in your classroom that will resonate into all your relationships.

Teach your students to practice sitting with their frustration and anger.  Tell them that in their body there is a biochemical surge that has it’s roots in primitive man.   The fight or flight response was a holdover from the days when the main threat to our survival was a saber tooth tiger and not waiting in line or a redundant question. 

Feelings of anger manifests differently in each person, some of us get so revved up that we can’t think straight.  To address this  teach students deep breathing.  Begin each day with a classroom-breathing lesson, instruct students to close their eyes and begin to observe their breath.  Instruct them to begin to breath more deeply inhaling in for 7 to 10 seconds and exhaling through the nose for the same time.  Repeat this exercise for several minutes. 

Anytime you see agitation tumbling onto rudeness and anger take a time-out to breathe.  Students will begin to practice this and take their cues.  Compassion does not come naturally.  For students to truly become wiser they need a wise and compassionate teacher.    

Do you hit the brakes or the accelerator when you encounter stress?  What is your stress temperament?

You probably know someone who lives in the eye of a crisis storm; their life is a series of minor dramas, which replay over and over.  You also probably know another person who weathers all kinds of storms yet seems to be happy. Scientific studies have discovered a link between personality, temperament and the ability to deal with stress.  Individual responses to life situations vary greatly.  Instead of beating yourself up for your inherent temperament become aware of how you respond to changes.   This awareness can lead you to develop new habits and promote healthy hormones and neurochemicals.

Once you become aware of the language spoken by your autonomic nervous system you will discover the power you have to create joy, abundance and health the same way you create stress, fatigue and disease. 

The implication of using this information in teaching children in school is powerful.  Every teacher creates their own classroom environment and students respond in different degrees based on their own stress temperament.   The first step in creating a healthy environment is to recognize your own stress temperament.  Ask: how do you respond to periods of high activity and inattentiveness with your students and what methods do you use to calm and discipline disrupting students?  

One way to establish a healthy classroom environment is to factor in de-stressors every day.   Educate yourself about the practice of mindfulness.  The practice of mindfulness is an effective tool to enhance academic performance while promoting emotional and social well being.   Its focuses on developing a student’s capacity for attention and awareness. 

Begin every day with three minutes of silence.  Instruct your students to close their eyes and simply notice their breathing as they focus on the space between their nose and upper lip.  As your students get into this habit they will become more aware of their emotions.  This technique is a system that allows the mind to settle down and focus.  You can develop and expand this practice during the school year by adding more mindful minutes including the practice of loving kindness (sending loving kind thoughts to another person while you are silent).   You don’t have to become an expert to create a different kind of calm for your students you only have to be willing to experiment and create this peaceful space.  

The benefit is not just to your students but also to yourself.  It allows you to be the best kind of teacher; one who is truly present in the classroom engaged with students and subject making the connections that open the mind to real learning.

Schools in America are in crisis.   Is this a system failure or a response to the overall moral failure of our culture?

The history of civilization shows that every golden age is followed by a descent.  Throughout time this descent has taken on different withering forms: susperstition, prejudice, greed.  Perhaps our descent is apathy.  Too many children are at risk.  Neglected in the kind of nurturing that gives them the ability to believe in their own innate goodness.  Every child has the potential to be amazing.  The problem is our definition of amazing is limited.  Amazing has an infinite number of possibilities.  Amazing is not what we do but who we are.   Our children have not been given the right paradigm.   If one generation of children were taught loving kindness, first to love themselves and then to share it the larger problems we face would disappear.   Practicing this would diminish the attraction of competing and comparing because the only measurement needed would be: am I better than I used to be and not am I better than you.

The blame cannot be placed only on schools.  The blame has to be shared by all of us, all of us who have embraced the culture of materialism.   The demands of this culture are huge.  Children are vulnerable to the ideas of looking a certain way, dressing a certain way and having certain things.  The attachment to all of this diminishes our collective goodness.  Instead of cultivating what’s already there, we seek what’s outside of us.

Schools could become the leaders in changing this thinking because what children see and hear everyday shapes them.  Everyday the message in schools can be one of loving-kindness and like a drop in a bucket these drops will eventually fill the minds of our children. 

The challenge is not in doing this but in convincing everyone who is associated with schools to embrace this thinking.   It’s easy to mandate a program what’s harder is to grow it.   Schools are a human endeavor.  There is no product except in evolving the thinking minds of children. This is the ultimate product anyone can hope to be part of. 

So how can this be accomplished? 

Simple  - one day at a time.  Schools can begin by cultivating the spirit of gratitude  Establish daily goals for everyone.  Begin with the law of giving.   It is important to give something to everyone you come into contact with during the day.  This gift does not have to be material; it can be a smile, a kind word, encouragement, understanding, or friendship.  The beauty is this plan includes everyone, adults and students both.   And it is contagious.  The more it is practiced the easier it becomes.

It’s easy to become optimistic about our future by looking at the possibilities.   History shows us that we can find ourselves, in a new renaissance and a new enlightenment that can become a profound shift for a better world.