Category: teaching kindness

What is social contagion?

Harvard researchers Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler have found that the happiest people are exposed every day to many small moments of contagious happiness. When you see other people smile at home, in the street, in a local restaurant your spirits are affected.   Happiness is more contagious than unhappiness.  Our behaviors are spread socially and the most surprising finding of this research is that it’s not the small cluster of long term friends that is crucial to being happy it’s the number of positive connections a person has every day. 

What this means is that each one of us has a remarkable ability to spread happiness. 

So how can you and I embrace social contagion and make a dedicated effort to help create these positive waves?

We have to accept life’s givens.  We have to consent to the things we cannot change. 

David Richo in “The Five Things We Cannot Change” writes the five unavoidable givens are

• Everything changes and ends
• Things do not always go according to plan
• Life is not always fair
• Pain is part of life
• People are not loving and loyal all the time

As a psychotherapist he found that when we acknowledge and accept these we can find peace and sustaining happiness.  Sometimes these givens can seem like the universe is playing a cruel joke on us.  When we accept them we are really saying yes to our humanity. The givens can become gifts. 

Last night the Detroit Tigers honored Ernie Harwell at Comerica Park.  For years the legendary broadcaster was the voice of the Detroit Tigers.  Yesterday he was honored in a bittersweet and emotional tribute.  Harwell at the age of 91 has an inoperable cancer.  He has always lived in the present moment and never became an old grump talking about how great the world used to be.

I have to believe that many fans left Comerica Park last night with smiles on their faces and not because the Tigers won but because they got to share in this man’s last public tribute.  They were all connected to the big wave of love and abundance that is his life. 

Everything ends; everything changes except our ability and willingness to spread happiness.  We can do it even in the face of this finality.  Ernie Harwell knows this and for that he will be remembered and honored. 

“Universal responsibility is feeling for other people’s suffering just as we feel for our own.  It is the realization that even our enemy is entirely motivated by the quest for happiness.  We must recognize that all human beings want the same thing that we want.”

The XIV Dalai Lama

We all want to be understood.  When I think about all the times in which I felt inadequate or inferior I realize they were a direct result of not being heard. 

When we are heard, we feel connected and being connected allows us to be understood.   Communication is a skill that must be learned.

Often we think of communication especially in times of high emotions as venting.  Venting is just getting your feelings out.  There’s a low probability that the cause of these feelings is understood.   Many people continue to believe that venting is healthy, that anger is a catharsis of negative emotions.

Carol Tavris author of “The Misunderstood Emotion” disagrees she says, “Expressing anger makes your angrier, solidifies an angry attitude and establishes a hostile habit.”

There’s a better way of communicating.  Instead of going into an attack mode we can practice the clear expression of our feelings, even our negative feelings.  Our feelings can connect us.  Here’s why:

• Compare this:  I think you’re wrong VS I feel angry.
• The fist statement demands a defensive response.  The second is different; the response seeks to understand why I am angry. 
• Expressing feelings makes us vulnerable because exposing our soft spots allows communication and the relationship to expand.

Is it especially important to teach children to express their feelings.  Feelings are:

I am happy, I am confused, I am sad, I want

Thoughts or judgments sound like this: 

You’re wrong, You make me mad, You’re not listening, You’re a jerk

Communicating feelings is not a guarantee that all conflicts will be resolved rather it’s the beginning of looking at the real issues, instead of blaming or being angry.  Communicating feelings requires the listener to be empathic and compassionate.  Both of these demand listening and giving the right attention.  It does not mean agreement or feeling sorry. It does mean to acknowledge the other person’s feelings without trying to insert advise or manipulate the situation to personal advantage.

Practicing this every day not only improves communication but also makes us more connected.   I can’t think of a more effective teaching strategy than improving communication and being connected.  

“Our thoughts, our words, and our deeds are the threads of the net which we throw around ourselves.”

Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind.  When we choose actions that bring happiness and success to others, the fruit of our karma is happiness and success. 

Several years ago I had a student who so persistent in his misbehaviors that I began to picture him as a little red haired devil.  I dreaded every encounter with him.  His response to me became more and more hostile.   I needed to do something different.  What I did was to change the way I looked at him. 

The improvement was slow, but little by little he began to respond to me with more respect and attentiveness.  By the year’s end I saw him as a success instead of a failure. 

Some spiritual traditions believe in the law of karma.  Karma is just a new age word meaning cause and effect.  It is our actions and the consequences.  We’ve all heard the expression “what you sow is what you reap.”  Karma, what we reap is the action of our conscious choice making. 

With my little red haired devil I choose to be critical and judgmental.  I did not offer this student a life lesson; I choose to suffer his undesirable behavior instead.   But in truth I was the one who suffered until I chose to change.

We are infinite choice makers.  Some of our choices are automatic like conditioned reflexes.  When a person or circumstance is offensive we choose to be offended, we choose to be uncomfortable and unhappy.  The same is true for the opposite.  We are making these choices unconsciously. 

There is a better way.  We can step back and witness our choices as we make them.  We can take this process from an unconscious realm to a conscious one and become empowered. 

To apply the law of cause and effect to your life you can:

1. Ask: What are the consequences of this choice? And will this choice bring happiness and fulfillment to me and to those affected by me?
2. Pay attention to your body’s physical response to the choice.  You will observe a difference in your responses to unkind choices compared to kinder ones.

We know the correct choice, it is known in our heart.  It’s a mistake to discredit this intuitive response.  Everything that has happened to us at this moment is a result of the choices we’ve made in the past.   We can create a kindness footprint.  It’s what we leave behind, it’s how we’ll be remembered and it’s how we create lasting positive change. 

What do you tell yourself? 

Almost every waking minute of every day you are listening to the same re-runs in your mind.  It’s recycled chatter about your life.   Perhaps you tell yourself that sometime in the future you can let go and relax, start changing, or be happier.  Maybe your re-run is playing over and over conversations about your fears and anxieties, or reviewing grievances and making past offenses stronger and more meaningful, instead of letting go.

Whatever it is that you tell yourself it’s not original material.  The sad truth about what you tell you is most self-talk tends to limit and restrict instead of liberate and expand. 

It’s difficult to not become a victim of your own thinking.  But once in awhile a story catches your attention and allows you to re-think the possibilities. 

Today I heard one such story on Good Morning America.  It was the story of a remarkable little boy named Mattie Stepanek.   Mattie died just three weeks before his 14^th birthday.  He suffered with an incurable disease called MDA, which interrupts normal functioning like breathing, heart rate and blood pressure.  Because of this Mattie lived on a ventilator in a specially equipped wheelchair.  But that’s not what is remarkable about this boy.  He was a self-appointed peacemaker and poet.   He is the author of seven books and become an inspiration to millions simply because he embraced the idea that every day is a gift and he made the most of it. 

On Saturday October 18 The Mattie J T Stephanek Park was dedicated in Rockville Maryland.   The park is a 26 acres recreational facility.    A peace garden with Mattie’s statue is open including benches with plaques and quotes from his books and speeches.  

You have to wonder how so young a boy could accept the severe limits of his short life and become such a powerful inspiration.   Mattie was an original thinker.  What he told himself was to seize the moment, seize the day and see what develops.  His body limited him but his mind ran through boundaries most of us will never cross. 

What you tell yourself is important because your thinking becomes who you are and it influences others.   As a teacher your influence is substantial.  Every day you have a captive audience of learners who can take their lead from you.  They are open to be inspired and lead into new ways of thinking.    Let what you tell yourself be empowering, tell yourself how important your job is.  Today travel with your students to Mattie’s website at www.mattieonline.com.   Who knows what they might begin to tell themselves.

The carotid artery is the largest artery in the human body.  It pumps blood directly from the heart to the brain.  You can feel it’s pulse if you put you hand on the left side of your neck.  It insures that fresh oxygenated blood goes to the brain first before feeding other organs.  All this happens every second without our awareness.  We never have to consciously monitor our critical body functions they run on autopilot.  Maybe because of this perfect physical system it’s easy for us to trust too much our own thinking.  We rarely edit our beliefs or recognize that our perspective is always limited.   No matter what position we can claim it’s unlikely we hold the complete picture.

It’s easy to let our thinking run on autopilot too.  To automatically reach for those familiar and comfortable thought patterns.  To make decisions based on that stored bank of information despite it being incomplete, like a research library except instead of having all the data from A to Z we have it only from B to R. 

Twenty years ago medical students were taught that once critical periods were passed in childhood the architecture of the brain was fixed.   Today doctors know through neuroimaging techniques like PET scans, EEG’s and MRI’s that the brain is constantly rewiring itself through experience.  When you think and do things repeatedly you create neural pathways that become deeper over time. 

This information is critical to self-improvement. It is critical to any organization that seeks it make itself better.  

As you think – so you are.  We are our thoughts.  If we accept a status quo that repeatedly makes the same mistakes we need to look more critically at what we accept.  Change is possible.  Our most vital organ the brain is constantly remodeling itself based on how we use it.  Through action or inaction our brain is changing all the time. 

Knowing we can literally create a new brain should bring excitement to anyone who teaches. New brain cells stick around when the best conditions are nurtured.  To create new cells and maintain them it’s necessary to move the body and engage the mind.  The heart and brain are linked physically to create this perfect system.

Teachers can use this model in the classroom to increase and protect the brainpower of their students.    First by changing their own brain patterns, the habitual ways of doing and thinking.  Second by providing the best environment in which their students can begin to do this also. 

Think of the simple adjustments.  Create time in the day to move, maybe call this your stretch zone.  Not only is this beneficial to students but teachers will see their own energy and focus improve.  Include in this stretch zone a place for mental movement with respect and kindness as the guide.  Allow for students to practice exchanging thoughts and beliefs without needing to defend their position, instead of debate they can learn to listen to each other.

Our two most vital organs the heart and the brain give us all the connection we need to be better.  

America is the world’s leading manufacturer of hope.  America fills  the expectation that good things will come.  It’s the reason immigrants all over the world want to come here.  The wonderful thing about hope is that it’s like a giant umbrella that protects us from the storms of disappointment, failure and hardship.   Recently at the Democratic National Convention Michelle Obama spoke about her childhood.  Her account was a story of a childhood filled with encouragement, appreciation and love.  She demonstrates that when a child is lifted up a desire to make a worthy contribution is a predictable result.

This week children in America return to school.  Many with fear and anxiety about what’s to come but most with the hope that their teacher “will be nice” and “will be fair.”

Despite what children experience at home their expectations for fairness in school is constant.  It’s almost like a primordial need that school show them empathy, respect and kindness.   Sounds like a simple agenda but in reality the layers of challenges that teachers face putting loving kindness first is often difficult.  A typical classroom is a mini diverse society with competing levels of ability and need all vying for the attention of this one absolute authority “the teacher.”  For teachers meeting all these needs can be a super challenge.   But practicing one tactic can help. 

It’s important for each teacher to keep in mind the vision that brought them to teaching, hopefully the vision of making a difference in the life of a child, of opening the door to learning and doing so in way that ignites the curious mind and invites exploration.  One way to do this is to honor the need of all children to be loved and to belong.  The desire to care and be cared for, to give to others and to be part of a family or group is the most basic need below survival that all children share.   Creating a safe environment in the classroom, an environment that promotes kindness and respect first is the foundation for meeting this most basic need.

History teaches us that whatever is done to children they are likely to do to society.  If children find the world a place where social justice is limited and doled out like rewards then they are likely to engage in this system where fairness is not for all. 

My hope for this school year is that teachers will become the nation’s leaders in honoring and respecting this single important value and practicing it everyday so much so that it becomes contagious, that children see one standard, one way to be and pass it on and on.   Let’s inspire this generation of children, lift them up and see where it leads the possibilities are endless!

Michael Phelps now holds the record for the most gold medals won at a single Olympics with a total of eight.  He said, “ I’ve dreamed a lot of things, and written down a lot of goals, and this one was the biggest one I have ever written down.” 

But not too long ago he could have been labeled a problem student.  He still jokes about his middle school teacher who said he would never be a success.  In school he struggled with AHDH and started swimming to provide an outlet for his excess energy.

Phelps unlike many struggling students overcame his disability, he had the support of an encouraging and loving family and he never believed the words of his critical teacher.  How often do you think this happens?

It is inevitable that every teacher will experience a student with ADHD. It could be the biggest challenge a teacher can face.  It can result in frustration and exhaustion for the teacher worse it can negatively impact a student’s self-confidence and belief in his or her own ability to learn. 

What you tell yourself can become a self-defeating mantra whether you are the teacher or the student. 

Teachers who dread the presence of a student with ADHD will communicate this even in non-verbal ways.  What teacher’s witness is the impulsive, unorganized and easily distracted student.  What they don’t see or connect to is this behavior is a cry for help saying, “reach me and accept me.”  Teachers can look at the glass half-full or half-empty when dealing with a student with ADHD.   When they make a connection with the student and use behavior and classroom modifications this connection will become a life preserver. 

Some of these modifications are:

• A touch – on the shoulder or a smile so the student know what good behavior is
• Rewards to motivate like a smiley sticker on the corner of the deck
• Verbal reinforcement with positive praise
• Give the student specific tasks that require movement in the classroom
• Provide structure at all times and remain calm
• Have the student repeat verbal directions
• Provide advanced warning when a change is coming
• Take five minutes everyday with the with the student to make sure he or she is using a planner for organization
• Divide tasks into chunks of time with shortened assignments
• Consider how desks are arranged and be sure ADHD students are grouped with others and frequently switch

As difficult as this seems when a teacher practices compassion and understands how critical “what you tell yourself” is to learning  things can change and improve.  Look to Michael Phelps as an inspiration.  Know that in his life it was not just what he told himself but also what he heard from others. 

“I’ve learned that people will forget what your said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you make them feel.”

Maya Angelou

As a child I remember sitting in my desk in my fourth grade classroom trying to make myself smaller.  My thinking was if I was smaller I would become invisible to the teacher and that meant she couldn’t single me out to go to the board to work out a math problem.  Going to the board was a public humiliation.  Her words, “it’s wrong” echoed in my childhood memory for a long time.   The feeling of being inferior, not capable and dumb stayed with me all through school.  Imagine how different I might have felt if my teacher had used the board as a place to make mistakes and ultimately discover the answer.

How you feel determines your success or failure, satisfaction or discontent, feeling competent or stupid.   Each one of us has a need to feel capable in what we do and to be loved and valued.  In the elaborate net of life the single underlying thread in our shared humanity is the potential for kindness in every encounter. 

Teachers can create a quality environment for their students, and the first element of quality is practicing kindness.   A quality teacher must ask: “is what I am about to do, stand a reasonable chance of strengthening this relationship.”

The elements of a quality teacher are:

1.     Who you are.  Your students are eager to know about you, let your self-shine though for them.

2.     What you stand for and why you stand for it, are of endless interest to your students.  Discussions big and small with people who they respect create ideas in the minds of students as they begin to form opinions. 

3.     What you will ask them to do.  Make sure your students know what you will ask them to do.  Never surprise them.

4.     What you won’t ask them to do.  Setting this expectation gives students freedom in their choices.

5.     What you will do for them.  As long as they make an effort to learn, you will help them in any way you can.  Discussions will be encouraged; disagreement will be laid on the table and explained or changed.

6.     What you will not do for them.  You will not do their work, or tell them what to do if you believe they can figure the answer out for themselves.  You will spend a lot of time teaching them how to evaluate their own work and to defend their evaluations. 

To be successful in life, we must evaluate ourselves and work to improve; we cannot and should not depend on others to do this for us.   Students treasure a quality teacher because a quality teacher makes them feel valued, competent and capable.  

Have you ever been surprised with an unexpected kindness?  There was a recent story of an older man who regularly jogged some remote roads in the hills of southern California.   His biggest fear was of an attack by a mountain lion but since he rarely strayed into the denser areas so he was not worried.  One particular day as he jogged he heard the loud blare of a car radio and the lyrics of a rap song.  The beat of the music got closer and closer.  This man had encountered rude drivers in the past but the noise and the approaching speed of the car worried him.    Suddenly a car full of teenage boys sped past him and slowed to a stop.   Filled with fear the man worried how he was going to jog past the car without incident.  As he got right next to the car one of the boys handed him a Popsicle out the window. 

Simple acts of kindness like the gift of a Popsicle seem strange and out of the ordinary.  Why is that? 

Unfortunately today in workplaces and schools across the country reports of harassment and violence have increased.   P. M. Forni author of the Civility Solution writes that most school and workplace violence began in rudeness.  The roots of rudeness are a failure to value the intrinsic goodness of each person.  When individuals are not seen as worthy and competent its easier for  rudeness to erupt.  

Most people see rudeness as something done to them instead of a symptom of a culture that reacts to any  injustice with anger.  This anger is like lightening in a bottle, when directed at others it scorches everything in its path, work relationships, friendships, families and eventually the health of any institution.   Rudeness can become anger burning out of control. 

School can be the one consistent place in this society where children can learn to practice compassion and simple acts of kindness.  A compassionate mind learns to look at a situation more broadly, seeking a solution that’s acceptable to everyone. 

So how can you as an educator begin to practice and teach children to cultivate the compassionate mind? 

Begin first with yourself.  Examine your daily habits, how do you interact with your co-workers.  Are you tolerant of their shortcomings or do you react with criticism and gossip?    Next evaluate your relationship with your students, are you inpatient with their inattentiveness, disruptions and little unkindness?   When you become the model of compassion you can create a vibration in your classroom that will resonate into all your relationships.

Teach your students to practice sitting with their frustration and anger.  Tell them that in their body there is a biochemical surge that has it’s roots in primitive man.   The fight or flight response was a holdover from the days when the main threat to our survival was a saber tooth tiger and not waiting in line or a redundant question. 

Feelings of anger manifests differently in each person, some of us get so revved up that we can’t think straight.  To address this  teach students deep breathing.  Begin each day with a classroom-breathing lesson, instruct students to close their eyes and begin to observe their breath.  Instruct them to begin to breath more deeply inhaling in for 7 to 10 seconds and exhaling through the nose for the same time.  Repeat this exercise for several minutes. 

Anytime you see agitation tumbling onto rudeness and anger take a time-out to breathe.  Students will begin to practice this and take their cues.  Compassion does not come naturally.  For students to truly become wiser they need a wise and compassionate teacher.    

Do you hit the brakes or the accelerator when you encounter stress?  What is your stress temperament?

You probably know someone who lives in the eye of a crisis storm; their life is a series of minor dramas, which replay over and over.  You also probably know another person who weathers all kinds of storms yet seems to be happy. Scientific studies have discovered a link between personality, temperament and the ability to deal with stress.  Individual responses to life situations vary greatly.  Instead of beating yourself up for your inherent temperament become aware of how you respond to changes.   This awareness can lead you to develop new habits and promote healthy hormones and neurochemicals.

Once you become aware of the language spoken by your autonomic nervous system you will discover the power you have to create joy, abundance and health the same way you create stress, fatigue and disease. 

The implication of using this information in teaching children in school is powerful.  Every teacher creates their own classroom environment and students respond in different degrees based on their own stress temperament.   The first step in creating a healthy environment is to recognize your own stress temperament.  Ask: how do you respond to periods of high activity and inattentiveness with your students and what methods do you use to calm and discipline disrupting students?  

One way to establish a healthy classroom environment is to factor in de-stressors every day.   Educate yourself about the practice of mindfulness.  The practice of mindfulness is an effective tool to enhance academic performance while promoting emotional and social well being.   Its focuses on developing a student’s capacity for attention and awareness. 

Begin every day with three minutes of silence.  Instruct your students to close their eyes and simply notice their breathing as they focus on the space between their nose and upper lip.  As your students get into this habit they will become more aware of their emotions.  This technique is a system that allows the mind to settle down and focus.  You can develop and expand this practice during the school year by adding more mindful minutes including the practice of loving kindness (sending loving kind thoughts to another person while you are silent).   You don’t have to become an expert to create a different kind of calm for your students you only have to be willing to experiment and create this peaceful space.  

The benefit is not just to your students but also to yourself.  It allows you to be the best kind of teacher; one who is truly present in the classroom engaged with students and subject making the connections that open the mind to real learning.