Category: character education

By definition children are developmentally a moving target making interventions that target behavior a challenge. In schools children are subjected to a vast number of well-meaning programs that sound absolutely great on paper but fail the test of scientific analysis.

In the book “Nurture Shock” Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman explore the constellation of factors that shape children.  They found that schools hurriedly adopt programs to combat scary issues like drug abuse.   Taking their responsibility seriously to breed good citizens and not just good students schools mistake good intentions for good ideas.

The data on character based interventions shows that at best they have a size effect of 15%.  This means that 15% of children altered their targeted behavior while a whopping 85% did not.  Interventions with a size effect of only 4% can still be considered quite good even though they have no effect on 96% of the students.

 The question is; how can a school implement any character education program and expect a sizable effect?

Research shows that high order thinking like self-reflection encourages children to listen to the inner voice and not act impulsively.   The only way children discover this inner voice is to be consistently asked to evaluate their own behavior.   They must be given the right tools to develop this awareness.

Creative World Connections is just one tool in this toolbox of child development.   Our daily messages give not just encouragement to children but serve as reminders to teachers the role that cognitive control plays in learning and decision-making.

Cognitive control is necessary in many contexts.  It’s necessary to avoid external distractions and more importantly internal distractions like the thought, “I can’t do this.”

To find success schools must be willing to step out of their institutional comfort zone and step out of the box.  The science on all of this is exciting and empowering and will ultimately enrich any school willing to embrace change.

What is guilt? 

In clinical terms it’s a rapid response system that helps control negative impulses by producing an incredibly unpleasant sensation.

Psychologists say that children typically begin to feel guilt in their second year of life.  Some children possess a temperament that makes them more prone to guilt and others less prone both due to parents and other early influences.

Understanding guilt is important because this response creates tension and negative emotions when children are tempted to misbehave or even to anticipate breaking the rules.  Children who have a healthy guilt response have fewer behavioral problems. 

Self-control is critical to academic success.  Children without self-control have a poor guilt response and risk losing the understanding and patience of their teachers. Most discipline referrals are a result of teachers needing a break from the impulsive interruptions of these students.

Every year I dealt with the same persistent and chronic group of students who most likely would have scored low on the guilt response meter. They were consistently told by administrators and teachers alike that their behavior was bad, and in some cases that they were bad.  I witnessed some discipline lectures that teetered on the precipice of shame.  Hoping to shame a child into better behavior is a destructive tactic because shame  produces feelings of worthlessness. 

Effective classroom management focuses on admonishing the sin and not the sinner.  But is it enough?  From a child’s perspective there is little distinction between, “you did a bad thing, and you are bad.”  The word “bad” is prominent in both.

There is a better approach.  Psychologists recommend using the atonement strategy.  Learning how to make amends is making things right.  Making amends should be the focus of all discipline because it repairs the damage.   When children get the opportunity to repair the damage it restores feelings of self-worth and competence.  The risk of creating shame is eliminated. 

Allowing students to make amends builds trusting relationships and also creates a quality environment.  The most effective classroom management is one that is addresses problems without too much interruption to the learning process. 

One way to do this is to make a reflection corner in the classroom.  Here students are removed for a short time to devise their own plan of improvement.  Students will be asked why their behavior is a problem and what they can do to improve it.   Making amends might be as simple as cleaning up a mess or sharing materials.   

Teachers should be careful not to depend on  discipline interventions by administrators to solve their problems.  Making amends allows students to participate in nurturing a classroom environment that is satisfying and effective for everyone. 

“Universal responsibility is feeling for other people’s suffering just as we feel for our own.  It is the realization that even our enemy is entirely motivated by the quest for happiness.  We must recognize that all human beings want the same thing that we want.”

The XIV Dalai Lama

We all want to be understood.  When I think about all the times in which I felt inadequate or inferior I realize they were a direct result of not being heard. 

When we are heard, we feel connected and being connected allows us to be understood.   Communication is a skill that must be learned.

Often we think of communication especially in times of high emotions as venting.  Venting is just getting your feelings out.  There’s a low probability that the cause of these feelings is understood.   Many people continue to believe that venting is healthy, that anger is a catharsis of negative emotions.

Carol Tavris author of “The Misunderstood Emotion” disagrees she says, “Expressing anger makes your angrier, solidifies an angry attitude and establishes a hostile habit.”

There’s a better way of communicating.  Instead of going into an attack mode we can practice the clear expression of our feelings, even our negative feelings.  Our feelings can connect us.  Here’s why:

• Compare this:  I think you’re wrong VS I feel angry.
• The fist statement demands a defensive response.  The second is different; the response seeks to understand why I am angry. 
• Expressing feelings makes us vulnerable because exposing our soft spots allows communication and the relationship to expand.

Is it especially important to teach children to express their feelings.  Feelings are:

I am happy, I am confused, I am sad, I want

Thoughts or judgments sound like this: 

You’re wrong, You make me mad, You’re not listening, You’re a jerk

Communicating feelings is not a guarantee that all conflicts will be resolved rather it’s the beginning of looking at the real issues, instead of blaming or being angry.  Communicating feelings requires the listener to be empathic and compassionate.  Both of these demand listening and giving the right attention.  It does not mean agreement or feeling sorry. It does mean to acknowledge the other person’s feelings without trying to insert advise or manipulate the situation to personal advantage.

Practicing this every day not only improves communication but also makes us more connected.   I can’t think of a more effective teaching strategy than improving communication and being connected.  

The three qualities work must have in order to be satisfying are autonomy, complexity and a connection between effort and reward.  It’s not just how much money we make that ultimately makes us happy.  Doing work that is meaningful and appreciated is worth more than money. 

Back in the early days of the Beatles before they were the Beatles they played in strip clubs in Hamburg Germany eight hours a night, seven days a week.  Most musicians only play one hour, two at the most a night.  They needed stamina and an enormous amount of energy to keep at it.   They didn’t recoil at the offer they jumped at it.   They put their heart and soul into these gigs and the crowds really began to love it.  They were recognized for their new unique sound. 

Everyone has an innate need for recognition in their jobs.  Giving recognition is the best way to build high-energy efforts and excellence.   Unfortunately many managers fail to grasp this important motivational truth.  Doing unrecognized and unrewarded work is like a prison sentence because it doesn’t have any meaning. 

David Novak CEO of Yum Brands (KFC, Pizza Hut, and Taco Bell) believes that bosses should be more like coaches encouraging those they supervise.  Novak’s strategy is to err on the side of more.  He recognizes more that he should.  He says, “why be selfish with the one thing that matters most to people.”

Novak says people leave companies for two reasons: one they don’t feel appreciated and two they don’t like their boss.   These two reasons can also explain why people become unsatisfied in relationships, why people fail to work harder, or even why some children might lose heart in school.  

Appreciation is something we all need more of. 

I know a lack of appreciation can make me question the motives of even those closest to me.   Without appreciation it’s easy to believe that someone is taking advantage of you, even when it’s not true.

Intrinsic motivation comes from a sense of satisfaction and worth.  The best way to motivate anyone is to tell them how important they are.  It’s one simple truth none of us should ignore.

How well do we understand anyone?

Michael Winerip a contributor to the New York Times wrote about his relationship with his father.  His father died while he was in his early twenties.  Winerip describes his father as abusive, selfish and self-absorbed.  He says he was even nasty to the neighborhood children when their ball accidentally went into his yard.  

It wasn’t until thirty years later when he received an email from a former co-worker of his father that he began to revise his opinion.  The co-worker who was a rookie copywriter at the Boston Herald wrote that his father made more of an impression on her than almost anyone she’d ever met.  She said Harold Winerip looked out for her teaching her everything she needed to know about editing.  He really cared about good language and was the best of his trade.  She also said he was intensely proud of his children.

This revelation prompted Winerip to reflect deeper on the character of his father. 

After cobbling together other impressions and re-examining his own he discovered that his father suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  He believed that his father did not have a clue about why he had to repeat certain behaviors and was most likely furious and humiliated by them.  There was little if any understanding of OCD until recently.

Winerip says he spent his entire adult life trying not to be like his father.  Over compensating for his father’s short comings hoping he would never fall victim to the same character weaknesses.  Today he feels somewhat humbled knowing his father a slave to ritual kept this secret for four years in the Army during WWII.  It was a daily struggle to keep his emotional balance. 

Making assumptions and judgment is the big mitote in the human mind.  When we don’t understand something we make an assumption about the meaning and believe our own story.   When the truth is revealed to us the bubble pops and we find out our ideas are not what we thought they were. 

All the drama in our lives is a kind of emotional poison that keeps us from seeking clarity and understanding.   Even families who believe they are loving havens of emotional support fail in this regard.  Ask almost anyone about their family and somewhere there are secrets and lies that keep members separated and distant.  They remain bound by their assumptions and their fear to challenge them.  Sometimes even to the point of destroying the relationship in order to defend their position. 

I have to wonder if we can’t find acceptance and understanding in our own families how can we hope to find it other less permanent relationships?

Seeking first to understand is our most important challenge in life.  We do not go through this life alone. We are bound together by our strengths and our flaws.  When you stop making assumptions you will be able to communicate clearly without emotional poison.  You will become impeccable with your word and a person of integrity.  Seeking first to understand will transform you and magic will begin to happen in your life, because you will experience the real love of acceptance. 

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”

Edmund Burke

What is decent behavior?

Judging the quality of the news we like to indulge in there is no more decent behavior.  Hours of talk devoted to the martial infidelities off elected officials, examining the lives of celebrities, and having a no boundaries attitude toward all proclivities seems the rules for civility have vanished. 

Some might argue that these niceties of so-called etiquette were too stifling, too restrictive.   This allows us to be less constraint, freer to explore our human passions and desires. 

Perhaps freer but certainly less honorable, in our quest to this type of self-exposure we have lost the compass to guide us out of the current of our own weakness. We have fewer social norms to follow.  Despite these trends we continue to admire those people who are dignified, those people who exemplify respect, kindness and manners. 

I cannot help but to compare our present fixations with the comic movie “Idiocracy.” The film depicts a future society where anti-intellectualism runs rampant.  In the movie two ordinary people forced into hibernation by a military experiment are awakened 500 years later to discover they are the most brilliant two people on the planet.  A sort of reverse kind of natural selection has reduced intelligence.

I have to wonder; by promoting the intimacies of our private lives will we corrupt ourselves?  Will our children recognize the importance of dignity or will they become like the citizens in the fictional Idiocracy?

As human beings we are all flawed creatures.  Tempted by excesses, ego and indulgence.  It’s the nature of life.  But the opposite is also true.  We are motivated by empathy, wanting to make the world a better place.  Striving to find the balance. 

In order for our children to value these virtues they must be taught, they must experience daily models of dignity.   David Brooks a New York Times columnist wrote that George Washington as a young man copied a list of 110 rules of civility and decent behavior.   These rules were not just etiquette tips but ways to improve morals.   Washington became a great man because of the way he conducted himself during times of temptation.  

That might be our greatest challenge and our greatest reward, how we conduct ourselves during times of temptation.  Instead of degrading the weakness of our heroes we need to celebrate the strengths of ordinary people.  People with dignity don’t need to broadcast their talents they are obvious.  Promoting everyday heroes gives children a real life template to follow and a true compass for an honorable life. 

“The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of.”

Pascal (philosopher, scientist)

News this week prompted me to seek first to understand.  My youngest daughter has been in Tanzania working and learning in an international hospital.   She said the experience taught her more than her first year of medical school.  The group she is with all wanted to do a safari before leaving Africa so they traveled to the northern town of Arusha.  After a long bus ride they arrived late at night. The group under estimated how risky it was to be carting luggage while looking for lodgings.  Caught unaware they were all robbed at knifepoint.  My daughter lost all her American money, which is really all that is accepted so an early morning phone call home alerted me to the mishap.  My first reaction was typically are you okay?  Next I was angry that a group of young thugs could so easily ruin what had been a life-altering trip. 

I struggled to manage my worry by researching the Internet for information about this little town.  I discovered that robberies of tourists are not that uncommon.  Common sense and caution are naturally advised.  I started to imagine how this group of young Americans might appear to the young and poor Tanzanian natives.   By their standards the group was rich and privileged.  And to be honest that is true.  I was able to replace the stolen money without much hardship.  What bothered me the most was that my picture of safety and well-being was shattered.  Bad things can happen anytime or anyplace but now suddenly my daughter seemed especially vulnerable.

I began to wonder about the money, whose pocket was it in now?  Did the money go to feed a hungry family?  Or did it travel into more criminal channels?  I hoped the money did some good.  I hoped the money did not just work to harden the hearts of those who took it.  I hoped they had somehow recognized that the group they stole from had come to Africa to give back.  

Seeking first to understand allows you to become influenceable.  When this happens your circle of concern expands and you are in turn able to influence.  The more deeply you understand other people the more you will learn to appreciate them.  The more reverent you will feel about them. 

Stephen Covey in his book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,” says “to touch the soul of another human being is to walk on holy ground.”

We all must assume that we never fully understand anyone and know we need to be open to really listen.  This assumption allows us to become more empathic.  This is the challenge of communication; this is the challenge we all face.  And not just with those closest to us but with the world.  Understanding is the only way we will be able to solve problems.  When we strive to listen with both the heart and the mind we will discover the intent and feelings of other people. 

I am counting the days until my daughter arrives safely home.  I must be careful not to allow myself to become more alarmed, more afraid, and worried.  I have to trust in the balance inherent in the universe, the duality of all things.  There is bad but there is also good. 

This past week has been a difficult one for me.  I developed cellulites on my shin after contacting poison ivy.  All of this came about doing what I love most, gardening.  Needless to say this has curtailed my normal routine and limited my activity.  For the first time in my life I’ve been to the doctor twice in the same week.

Unfortunately during this episode I abandoned my own practical wisdom.  Instead of practicing patience and slowing down I ranted at myself for my own carelessness in not attending to the first signs.  This derailed me and it wasn’t until last night watching an HBO special that I felt a shifting of my self-criticism.  The program is titled “Smile Pinky” and it tells the story of two children who are ostracized and ridiculed for their cleft lips.  Until they meet a social worker who travels from village to village locating children with this deformity. The documentary is the story of the smile train a non-profit organization dedicated to helping children in developing countries.  It follows these two remarkable children in their journey from isolation to acceptance. Experiencing someone else’s malady even through the medium of TV reminded me how important it is to see my feelings as just another thought and to recognize it. 

The criticism sandwich is a widely practiced managerial technique.  It’s simple: structure constructive criticism between praise, just like a sandwich with the praise on the top and bottom.   It’s candy coating the message but it is extremely effective in getting the desired result.  And who among us doesn’t like our bad medicine to be just a bit sweeter?

This week I needed to construct my own criticism sandwich. My self-criticism had no useful purpose. It only gave me more fuel for my own pity party. 

Watching the program humbled me and shifted my emotions away from myself, I experienced empathy and in doing so put things in the right perspective.

I intend to use the criticism sandwich next time I stumble into the unexpected.  Doing this will allow me to connect to the important things and move away from the trivial.   Instead of just being destructive in my self-analysis I can be positive and more productive.

Finding yourself in an unwanted situation is always difficult but knowing how to mange it will center you and pull you out of a slump.  So today make yourself a nice sandwich and be generous with the praise.

You can support the Smile Train at:

Smile Train - Dept. Mag.

PO Box 96231

Washington Dc 20090-6231

It’s easy to identify failure, it’s much harder  to identify success.  Success is not always predictable but it does align itself with certain principles. 

In education sometimes success is attributed to the wrong factors.  All children do not come to school standing at the same start line.  Some are not even really in the race but are expected to finish just the same. 

For thirteen years I supervised a disciple program in a middle school and on any given day I faced the challenge of mediating and reconciling the anger and arguments of fighting students.  Any success I hoped to achieve depended on one thing; creating a peaceful environment where everyone felt safe, where everyone felt heard and where there would be no judgment. 

There were many critics in my school.  Without judgment they argued there could be no punishment, there could be no justice.  They felt I was creating a system that forgave and did not demand responsibility.  But what is punishment for a child if there is no opportunity to learn from the mistake, if there is no lesson learned?

It didn’t take long for me to discover that fighting was a result of not being accepted, of not being respected and loved.  The root cause of these disputes were simple; children who did not have this most basic need satisfied would find another way to get what they needed.  Unfortunately that other way was not socially acceptable nor was it sustainable.

One particular day late in May I had seven boys all who had initiated some sort of aggressive behavior.  These boys all had a reputation to defend and would test the limits all day with each other and me.  Experience warned me that spring fights were the worst mostly because everyone was tired of dealing with the problem.  There was no tolerance or desire to play head doctor so I knew to expect little support from other adult staff.   What I needed first was to stay centered and find the peace I needed inside.  I had to rely on that deep reservoir of calm to create the right balance of leadership and kindness.

I had a simple plan to begin.  Something I had never tired before but felt there was nothing to lose.  I would create a peaceful environment first with sound.  It is believed at the most fundamental level that the whole universe is made up of vibrating pulsating energy. The sound of OM is considered as the humming sound of this cosmic energy.  If you observe the nature of sound you will find that striking together two objects produces all ordinary audible sounds.   In contrast Om is not the result of striking two objects.  It is the primal sound of the universe that emanates on its own.  

The boys would have this unique kind of elevator music to work by all day.  Chants and mantras would be our background.  The boys were immediately curious and confused.  What sort of day was this going to be?  I was bombarded with questions.  They were intrigued by the sound and wanted to know more.  

I tapped into this energy and used it as the beginnings for our daylong discussion on what is peace and how do we find it.   In this environment each boy was vulnerable and spoke from the heart. Their need to be valued and recognized exposed the depth of their feelings.

My room became a curiosity that day.  Other adults who came into the room were as curious and interested as the boys.

I shared with the boys the power of chanting Om.  The chant helps banish worldly thoughts and remove distraction.  When this happens the body is infused with new vigor.  Chanting can help relieve depression like a powerful drug because it truly is a cosmic tonic. 

That day remains clear in my memory because it was one of the most peaceful and productive days I ever had. The boys gave an intuitive respect and honor to the sound. I encouraged them to come back anytime they were on the cusp of a disagreement.  They left with a fragile commitment to give peace a chance. 

I know my efforts were not some miracle cure for the deeper problems these boys shared.  I also know that they would remember the day as well.  And for that reason alone I know my efforts were successful. 

This will never be a measurable success.  No one will copy this method or claim it as a valuable teaching tool.   And that is the major difficulty in claiming success, where was the benefit?  My hope is with these boys.

I gave each of them a copy of this as they left. 

Peace, it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.  It means to be in the mist of these things and still be calm in your heart. 

Did you know that the average time between the onset of puberty and the formation of a committed sexual relationship is longer now that it has ever been in human history?

That’s a lot of years to be expected to just say no.  Today our children are quite different biologically from those in the past.  Our improved diets, artificial light, decreased physical activity, and the explosion of sexually provocative material have resulted in earlier puberty and greater sexual activity and fertility than in the past.  Unfortunately it’s almost impossible to keep children from being exposed to the overly sexualized media content.  It is estimated that on average children view about 14,000 sexual references per year.  Sex and sexual innuendo on TV rarely show the adverse consequences of irresponsible sexual behavior.  

My daughter a medical student shadowed an ob-gyn doctor in an inner city clinic.  She was shocked to learn this doctor spent 75% of her day with girls under the age of 18.  These girls were either pregnant, had contacted an STD or had  serious infections.   The doctor told her the best she could do was prescribing appropriate medication and warning these young girls about the dangers of future unprotected sex.  She expected to see most of them back with more serious complications.

Children feel the sex drive in their bodies long before they are psychologically ready to commit to the demands of a mature relationship.  Until we can educate our children that sex is natural but needs respectful and loving expressions  we will be dealing with the consequences of reckless and unprotected sex. 

Today in our schools there is no dedicated funding toward comprehensive sex education.  The type of content presented to our children does not educate them on male and female anatomy, contraceptives and disease.  Children need to understand how their bodies respond sexually and girls need to learn how their bodies are connected both physically and emotionally to all phases of their menstrual cycles.

 Teachers need to become less fearful of these taboo subjects and more outspoken in demanding the right kind of content in our Sex Ed programs.  Leaving this to the vocal minority will doom our children to a lifetime of ignorance and abuse.  The best lesson for children is to learn that their bodies are their own, and to develop respect for this.  Knowledge is power: all children deserve solid sex education because sex is an inevitable part of their lives.  The best kind of program will teach:

• How to value themselves and their bodies.  Children who respect their bodies are better prepared not to compromise themselves with casual sexual encounters. 

• The sexuality – spirituality connection.  There’s a critical difference both biochemically and neurologically between having sex as an extension of an emotional bond and having casual sex with someone you don’t really care about.  Children need sufficient self-esteem to experience this solid loving connection. 

• The facts about male and female sexual anatomy.  Girls need to  understand not just the mechanics of their own menstrual cycle but the different phases and the accompanying emotional and physical changes that occur during the month.  Boys need to be taught female anatomy as well as understanding the role their hormones play in thoughts and behavior. 

• The facts about how to prevent pregnancy and protect themselves against sexually transmitted disease.  This information has never been shown to increase the likelihood of a teenagers having sex. Many teens define sex as intercourse and don’t understand that oral sex is sex.  STD’s can be transmitted during oral sex including HIV and AIDS.  Girls who succumb to the pressure of providing oral sex to earn popularity and acceptance will discover our culture’s double standard and their own devalued status. 

 If we can teach our children to respect their sexuality as part of a miraculous process then it’s possible to help guide them toward making responsible choices.  This is a life skill that will contribute to the greater good and benefit society.