Caring For Each Other’s Feelings

“Universal responsibility is feeling for other people’s suffering just as we feel for our own.  It is the realization that even our enemy is entirely motivated by the quest for happiness.  We must recognize that all human beings want the same thing that we want.”

The XIV Dalai Lama

We all want to be understood.  When I think about all the times in which I felt inadequate or inferior I realize they were a direct result of not being heard. 

When we are heard, we feel connected and being connected allows us to be understood.   Communication is a skill that must be learned.

Often we think of communication especially in times of high emotions as venting.  Venting is just getting your feelings out.  There’s a low probability that the cause of these feelings is understood.   Many people continue to believe that venting is healthy, that anger is a catharsis of negative emotions.

Carol Tavris author of “The Misunderstood Emotion” disagrees she says, “Expressing anger makes your angrier, solidifies an angry attitude and establishes a hostile habit.”

There’s a better way of communicating.  Instead of going into an attack mode we can practice the clear expression of our feelings, even our negative feelings.  Our feelings can connect us.  Here’s why:

• Compare this:  I think you’re wrong VS I feel angry.
• The fist statement demands a defensive response.  The second is different; the response seeks to understand why I am angry. 
• Expressing feelings makes us vulnerable because exposing our soft spots allows communication and the relationship to expand.

Is it especially important to teach children to express their feelings.  Feelings are:

I am happy, I am confused, I am sad, I want

Thoughts or judgments sound like this: 

You’re wrong, You make me mad, You’re not listening, You’re a jerk

Communicating feelings is not a guarantee that all conflicts will be resolved rather it’s the beginning of looking at the real issues, instead of blaming or being angry.  Communicating feelings requires the listener to be empathic and compassionate.  Both of these demand listening and giving the right attention.  It does not mean agreement or feeling sorry. It does mean to acknowledge the other person’s feelings without trying to insert advise or manipulate the situation to personal advantage.

Practicing this every day not only improves communication but also makes us more connected.   I can’t think of a more effective teaching strategy than improving communication and being connected.