Archive for: August 2009

Years ago the Detroit Free Press had a popular columnist named Bob Talbert, he was known for his column titled, “Outta of my  Monday moaning mind. “  It was a collection of random thoughts some connected and some disconnected.  With the utmost respect to Bob Talbert, here’s my version.

• Researchers at Stanford University recently published a study that found persistent multitaskers perform badly.  Surprising?  It seems trying to do a lot at the same time is ultimately a waste of time.  Multitaskers are in a constant state of stress with a frenzied pace of ever changing information.  This got me to thinking about the implications for teaching.  Too many layers of directions and instruction are a lesson plan for low achievement.  Morale – keep it simple. 

• Federal Race to the Top grants are inspiring school districts to re-think their education plans.  Some of the more innovative ideas include an Oxford Michigan district offering foreign language and string instruments to all kindergarteners.  Another district is eliminating English and social studies in favor of classes that focus on in-depth projects for lower achieving students. Some educators are willing to let go of long held beliefs to help students learn in a different way.  Sounds hopeful and inspiring to me. 

• Prominent child rearing experts observe that siblings who play together have healthier relationships because play allows them to work out grievances and competition.  Too much parent intervention often looks like favoritism to children and sometimes creates life long jealously and fractured adult relationships.  The ties that bind need not be too tight.  Be a model of kindness and respect and your children can take that into their play relationships.

• Middle and High School literature teachers are letting students choose their own books to help build a life-long love of reading.  “The Reading Zone” by Nancie Atwell promotes achievement through choice.  This book that has sold half a million copies is gaining popularity with many teachers all over the country.  Many lit teachers report gains in student achievement and higher performance on standardized tests. More evidence of how letting go of sacred cows allows for growth and success. 

• One last thought: All of these show the amazing potential to create a better system when the shareholders allow change to happen.  In order to change anything you must be willing to let go of something forever.  It’s time to let go.

What is guilt? 

In clinical terms it’s a rapid response system that helps control negative impulses by producing an incredibly unpleasant sensation.

Psychologists say that children typically begin to feel guilt in their second year of life.  Some children possess a temperament that makes them more prone to guilt and others less prone both due to parents and other early influences.

Understanding guilt is important because this response creates tension and negative emotions when children are tempted to misbehave or even to anticipate breaking the rules.  Children who have a healthy guilt response have fewer behavioral problems. 

Self-control is critical to academic success.  Children without self-control have a poor guilt response and risk losing the understanding and patience of their teachers. Most discipline referrals are a result of teachers needing a break from the impulsive interruptions of these students.

Every year I dealt with the same persistent and chronic group of students who most likely would have scored low on the guilt response meter. They were consistently told by administrators and teachers alike that their behavior was bad, and in some cases that they were bad.  I witnessed some discipline lectures that teetered on the precipice of shame.  Hoping to shame a child into better behavior is a destructive tactic because shame  produces feelings of worthlessness. 

Effective classroom management focuses on admonishing the sin and not the sinner.  But is it enough?  From a child’s perspective there is little distinction between, “you did a bad thing, and you are bad.”  The word “bad” is prominent in both.

There is a better approach.  Psychologists recommend using the atonement strategy.  Learning how to make amends is making things right.  Making amends should be the focus of all discipline because it repairs the damage.   When children get the opportunity to repair the damage it restores feelings of self-worth and competence.  The risk of creating shame is eliminated. 

Allowing students to make amends builds trusting relationships and also creates a quality environment.  The most effective classroom management is one that is addresses problems without too much interruption to the learning process. 

One way to do this is to make a reflection corner in the classroom.  Here students are removed for a short time to devise their own plan of improvement.  Students will be asked why their behavior is a problem and what they can do to improve it.   Making amends might be as simple as cleaning up a mess or sharing materials.   

Teachers should be careful not to depend on  discipline interventions by administrators to solve their problems.  Making amends allows students to participate in nurturing a classroom environment that is satisfying and effective for everyone. 

“Universal responsibility is feeling for other people’s suffering just as we feel for our own.  It is the realization that even our enemy is entirely motivated by the quest for happiness.  We must recognize that all human beings want the same thing that we want.”

The XIV Dalai Lama

We all want to be understood.  When I think about all the times in which I felt inadequate or inferior I realize they were a direct result of not being heard. 

When we are heard, we feel connected and being connected allows us to be understood.   Communication is a skill that must be learned.

Often we think of communication especially in times of high emotions as venting.  Venting is just getting your feelings out.  There’s a low probability that the cause of these feelings is understood.   Many people continue to believe that venting is healthy, that anger is a catharsis of negative emotions.

Carol Tavris author of “The Misunderstood Emotion” disagrees she says, “Expressing anger makes your angrier, solidifies an angry attitude and establishes a hostile habit.”

There’s a better way of communicating.  Instead of going into an attack mode we can practice the clear expression of our feelings, even our negative feelings.  Our feelings can connect us.  Here’s why:

• Compare this:  I think you’re wrong VS I feel angry.
• The fist statement demands a defensive response.  The second is different; the response seeks to understand why I am angry. 
• Expressing feelings makes us vulnerable because exposing our soft spots allows communication and the relationship to expand.

Is it especially important to teach children to express their feelings.  Feelings are:

I am happy, I am confused, I am sad, I want

Thoughts or judgments sound like this: 

You’re wrong, You make me mad, You’re not listening, You’re a jerk

Communicating feelings is not a guarantee that all conflicts will be resolved rather it’s the beginning of looking at the real issues, instead of blaming or being angry.  Communicating feelings requires the listener to be empathic and compassionate.  Both of these demand listening and giving the right attention.  It does not mean agreement or feeling sorry. It does mean to acknowledge the other person’s feelings without trying to insert advise or manipulate the situation to personal advantage.

Practicing this every day not only improves communication but also makes us more connected.   I can’t think of a more effective teaching strategy than improving communication and being connected.  

“Our thoughts, our words, and our deeds are the threads of the net which we throw around ourselves.”

Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind.  When we choose actions that bring happiness and success to others, the fruit of our karma is happiness and success. 

Several years ago I had a student who so persistent in his misbehaviors that I began to picture him as a little red haired devil.  I dreaded every encounter with him.  His response to me became more and more hostile.   I needed to do something different.  What I did was to change the way I looked at him. 

The improvement was slow, but little by little he began to respond to me with more respect and attentiveness.  By the year’s end I saw him as a success instead of a failure. 

Some spiritual traditions believe in the law of karma.  Karma is just a new age word meaning cause and effect.  It is our actions and the consequences.  We’ve all heard the expression “what you sow is what you reap.”  Karma, what we reap is the action of our conscious choice making. 

With my little red haired devil I choose to be critical and judgmental.  I did not offer this student a life lesson; I choose to suffer his undesirable behavior instead.   But in truth I was the one who suffered until I chose to change.

We are infinite choice makers.  Some of our choices are automatic like conditioned reflexes.  When a person or circumstance is offensive we choose to be offended, we choose to be uncomfortable and unhappy.  The same is true for the opposite.  We are making these choices unconsciously. 

There is a better way.  We can step back and witness our choices as we make them.  We can take this process from an unconscious realm to a conscious one and become empowered. 

To apply the law of cause and effect to your life you can:

1. Ask: What are the consequences of this choice? And will this choice bring happiness and fulfillment to me and to those affected by me?
2. Pay attention to your body’s physical response to the choice.  You will observe a difference in your responses to unkind choices compared to kinder ones.

We know the correct choice, it is known in our heart.  It’s a mistake to discredit this intuitive response.  Everything that has happened to us at this moment is a result of the choices we’ve made in the past.   We can create a kindness footprint.  It’s what we leave behind, it’s how we’ll be remembered and it’s how we create lasting positive change. 

“Mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all.”

Wicked Witch in Snow White

This week former president Bill Clinton negotiated the release of two female journalists from North Korea.  It was a masterful diplomatic coup.  Despite the outcome I read and heard some commentary than was critical of him.   Some speculate about his secret motives, some believe he intends to partner with his wife as secretary of state, and some just dislike him. 

These commentaries are nothing more than schadenfreude, and the kill joys that made them are like the wicked witch in Snow White.  How will we ever find justice and equity in this world if we cannot give credit where credit is due?

It’s hard to look into the mirror and confront what we see.  But it’s necessary to confront ourselves when judgment and ego get in the way of right things. 

Tapping the talents of the best suited for the job ensures that the job will get done.  If we can let go of personalities, assumptions and a bit of our ego then we can solve our problems and accomplish great things.  We all look better when we share the stage with talented and gifted people.  

Looking into the mirror is a good place to start and develop self-reflection.  The mirror reveals what we don’t like to see.  If we can confront our weaknesses without flinching or looking away we can begin to accept our limitations. 

One of our biggest limitations is being a killjoy, being jealous of the success of others especially others we don’t like.   This thinking poisons the environment of every human endeavor, a family, a business, and a school.

The best antidote to schadenfreude is to celebrate the success of others whenever you see it.  It creates a positive energy that will come back to you and endow you with new insights and new perspective. 

It’s important to look into the mirror from time to time.  The mirror doesn’t lie, doesn’t have an opinion, it only shows what you look like at this moment.  Practicing this kind of radical self-acceptance makes it possible to share the stage with everyone.

For a generation of women in the 60’s Julia Child took the fear out of cooking.  She is famous for her live television moments when things didn’t quite turn out as planned.  What made her so endearing to fans was the undaunted way she handled mistakes.

The most memorable episode was Julia flipping a pan sized potato pancake.  She said, “When you flip anything you must have the courage of your convictions.”   She then gave the pancake a big flip.  It caught on the lip of the pan and fell on the stovetop.  She quickly patched it up and said, “The only way to learn to flip things is just to flip them.”

Just flip them.  I find that phase a mantra of fulfillment.  For me it means having the courage to take a risk and be okay with the outcome.  Too often we seize upon the idea of perfection as the truest measure of success ignoring the noble efforts when the flip didn’t quite make it.  Sometimes a little catastrophe is a lesson and a liberation.  

I can’t think of a more appropriate environment for a little catastrophe than school.  For many children the flip will not make it.  They have to learn how to patch it up and more importantly they have to experience the lesson of patching it up.  

The best teachers will encourage their students along this path by making room for mistakes.  Mistakes should be understood and part of the norm in learning anything. If students are comfortable in sharing their mistakes they will have the courage to “just flip” even when they are uncertain of the outcome.   

Most of what we plan to do turns out differently.  It takes humility and courage to continue when things change.