Take Time To Understand

How well do we understand anyone?

Michael Winerip a contributor to the New York Times wrote about his relationship with his father.  His father died while he was in his early twenties.  Winerip describes his father as abusive, selfish and self-absorbed.  He says he was even nasty to the neighborhood children when their ball accidentally went into his yard.  

It wasn’t until thirty years later when he received an email from a former co-worker of his father that he began to revise his opinion.  The co-worker who was a rookie copywriter at the Boston Herald wrote that his father made more of an impression on her than almost anyone she’d ever met.  She said Harold Winerip looked out for her teaching her everything she needed to know about editing.  He really cared about good language and was the best of his trade.  She also said he was intensely proud of his children.

This revelation prompted Winerip to reflect deeper on the character of his father. 

After cobbling together other impressions and re-examining his own he discovered that his father suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  He believed that his father did not have a clue about why he had to repeat certain behaviors and was most likely furious and humiliated by them.  There was little if any understanding of OCD until recently.

Winerip says he spent his entire adult life trying not to be like his father.  Over compensating for his father’s short comings hoping he would never fall victim to the same character weaknesses.  Today he feels somewhat humbled knowing his father a slave to ritual kept this secret for four years in the Army during WWII.  It was a daily struggle to keep his emotional balance. 

Making assumptions and judgment is the big mitote in the human mind.  When we don’t understand something we make an assumption about the meaning and believe our own story.   When the truth is revealed to us the bubble pops and we find out our ideas are not what we thought they were. 

All the drama in our lives is a kind of emotional poison that keeps us from seeking clarity and understanding.   Even families who believe they are loving havens of emotional support fail in this regard.  Ask almost anyone about their family and somewhere there are secrets and lies that keep members separated and distant.  They remain bound by their assumptions and their fear to challenge them.  Sometimes even to the point of destroying the relationship in order to defend their position. 

I have to wonder if we can’t find acceptance and understanding in our own families how can we hope to find it other less permanent relationships?

Seeking first to understand is our most important challenge in life.  We do not go through this life alone. We are bound together by our strengths and our flaws.  When you stop making assumptions you will be able to communicate clearly without emotional poison.  You will become impeccable with your word and a person of integrity.  Seeking first to understand will transform you and magic will begin to happen in your life, because you will experience the real love of acceptance.